You didn't ask me for advice, Reid, but you're gonna get it. :) I'm 53, female, no kids, married forever. Not once for a split second in my life have I wanted kids. It was never a debate because it never even crosses my mind. But, because I don't have them, I get asked about it a lot from young people. Also, I have 18 nieces and nephews from 5 siblings, so I've seen a lot of families being made, lots of babies joining the family, lots of kinds of new parents, etc. I am qualified to talk babies :)
If you are debating having a kid, you should most certainly have a kid. And do it now. There is no reason to wait. Certainly don't wait because of money. Kids are only as expensive as you let them be.
My mom was one of those 1970s struggling single moms with 2 kids. We lived in apartments, condos, rentals, and a house, and it was great. We were broke broke broke and I didn't even realize how broke we were back then until I was on my own in my 20s. When I was in 1st grade, Mom borrowed money I had gotten for my birthday to pay a bill - I couldn't have cared less. It was fine. We were a team.
Have the kid. Do it now. The money/housing/jobs will figure itself out.
I always enjoy these mailbags. To Reid, hit it raw. You will never have enough money and time. Don’t put it off. Being a parent is rewarding and terrifying, awesome and exhausting.
As someone who felt just like the last letter writer did w/r/t having children, just do it. The younger you are, the easier.
We ended up waiting until our early 30s and tried for years and struggled with infertility before finally throwing in the towel. It is an awful thing when you struggle, agonize, and finally figure it out.. to learn that you simply cannot.
I can't say whether starting out earlier would've helped, but time does not make this any easier. Start hitting it raw, my man.
I agree. Don't wait. First of all, small kids don't care about money and can find fun and joy in even the cheap things (good lesson i learned from my kid).
Second, big kids need parents with financial limitations to teach them "NO" and "earn your own money for that object", otherwise they can become inadvertent assholes (aka, the kid who has the fancy phone and car and all the stuff).
Until their teenage child finds the message, figures out it’s about the decision that brought him or her into the world, and dies of unstoppable nausea 🤪
Young parents are the best. Mine were ages 19 and 20 when they had me. I vividly remember doing the math as a kid that pointed to my mom being three months pregnant when they married. The marriage ultimately didn't last, but they did have a really good run of a dozen years, and my parents have been able to enjoy lots of quality time with their grandkids, even though both my sister and I didn't become parents ourselves until we reached our early 30s. We lost our dad prematurely a decade ago (fuck cancer), but there is a decent chance that my mom (still under 80 and in good health) might be able to spend quality time with great grandkids some day.
There is no formula for living the good life, and having kids at any age is not a requirement. But for me, looking back, I'm more likely to think my wife and I should have started our family a few years earlier rather than later. I feel so blessed to have been able to spend time with all of my grandparents well into my thirties.
Love mailbag!! Such a thoughtful Fifthdom! Condolences Sam❤️What a gift you were to your father.
And to Reid, if having a child has always been a common goal between you and your wife, I say start now. It never gets easier no matter your financial situation. My husband and I have 3 grown children- 2 are off of the payroll and our youngest is 3rd year in College. We are in our late 50s and finally feel we can breathe financially. Fortunately, we feel hopeful we have another decade to build up our retirement cushion. Yes money was tight and it felt liked every time our high schoolers walked into the kitchen they needed $50. I wouldn’t trade a second of laughter, craziness, high school dances, broken hearts, AP tests and all of the WTF moments for more money. They are figuring out adulthood with us as (imperfect) guides. My husband and I disagree on many things but when it comes to parenthood we are together and strong as granite in the belief it is the most meaningful thing we have ever done. Good luck!
There are only two principle things, besides love, which a parent must provide to their child - their time and attention. In my experience, all the other things truly do not matter. Like whisky, it is possible to do too much, but too little you will most certainly feel remorse. Yes, have a stable household to the best of your ability, and if the pursuit of the $ needed for that takes away too much from the principle things, you may have problems. But great parents have parented on less before and will after. Go have yourself a family. Greatest thing I will ever do, even though I only did it so-so.
I have been exposed to a number of universities through a variety of vegetation projects. So dealing with the botanical sciences. People in the faculty are usually pretty good. But their stories about the organisations and the rigidity is terrible.
So the listener writes a thoughtful and measured email, and attempts to engage the head of the institution in constructive criticism.
And is met with "Your complaint has not been upheld.". I know I keep banging this drum in the comments, but HOW IN THE FUCK do you expect to reform these institutions without aggressive tactics and removal of all federal funding? Germany needed Normandy, Japan needed the nukes. These people are absolutely dependent on grievance and will stop at nothing to make it continue, reason be damned.
The science museum in the city that I live in has gone completely downhill since I was a child. They went from having spaceship similators and robot building stations, to doing exhibits on Indigenous ways of knowing and “queering science,” to just… no special exhibits at all, half of the permanent exhibits being out of order, and large parts of the building being completely empty. The ideological capture of the employees and management tanked the museum. Today’s kids won’t have the same experiences that my generation had there and it really saddens me.
I agree with all the exhortations to have kids now, even if you think you aren't ready. We had our first when we were both in our final year of PhDs. It was a bit challenging to balance everything but we figured it out. And given that we had all three kids early in our careers, we are really glad not to have tiny tots at home as our careers progress and we gain additional responsibilities at work.
The best reason, though, is this: your time on earth is limited, and the earlier you have children, the more time you get with them, the more time they get with their grandparents, the more time you may get with your future grandchildren, etc. etc. etc. If you're under 30, you may well see your kid's 50th birthday, and maybe even his 60th.
There were some funny moments that arose because we had kids much earlier than most others in the educated professional class . When we graduated and got jobs together, we put our toddler in the company daycare, and the child of an executive at the company—a year younger than ours—went through a biting phase. It's kind of awkward when your three year old shouts, "I HATE [guy who can fire me's kid] BECAUSE HE BIT ME" when you go to pick him up. Another dad at that daycare was almost as old as *my* mom. Another one went to grad school with my PhD advisor's advisor.
You didn't ask me for advice, Reid, but you're gonna get it. :) I'm 53, female, no kids, married forever. Not once for a split second in my life have I wanted kids. It was never a debate because it never even crosses my mind. But, because I don't have them, I get asked about it a lot from young people. Also, I have 18 nieces and nephews from 5 siblings, so I've seen a lot of families being made, lots of babies joining the family, lots of kinds of new parents, etc. I am qualified to talk babies :)
If you are debating having a kid, you should most certainly have a kid. And do it now. There is no reason to wait. Certainly don't wait because of money. Kids are only as expensive as you let them be.
My mom was one of those 1970s struggling single moms with 2 kids. We lived in apartments, condos, rentals, and a house, and it was great. We were broke broke broke and I didn't even realize how broke we were back then until I was on my own in my 20s. When I was in 1st grade, Mom borrowed money I had gotten for my birthday to pay a bill - I couldn't have cared less. It was fine. We were a team.
Have the kid. Do it now. The money/housing/jobs will figure itself out.
Outstanding response.
These mailbags alone are worth the price of admission.
Amen
That response from the Glasgow museum is an awful lot of words to say 'piss off'.
I couldn’t finish it.
So interesting that they simply stated their, already revealed, position. They totally failed to engage with his comments.
I always enjoy these mailbags. To Reid, hit it raw. You will never have enough money and time. Don’t put it off. Being a parent is rewarding and terrifying, awesome and exhausting.
These letters are amazing! Thank you for these, one of the best parts about subscribing to TFC.
As someone who felt just like the last letter writer did w/r/t having children, just do it. The younger you are, the easier.
We ended up waiting until our early 30s and tried for years and struggled with infertility before finally throwing in the towel. It is an awful thing when you struggle, agonize, and finally figure it out.. to learn that you simply cannot.
I can't say whether starting out earlier would've helped, but time does not make this any easier. Start hitting it raw, my man.
I agree. Don't wait. First of all, small kids don't care about money and can find fun and joy in even the cheap things (good lesson i learned from my kid).
Second, big kids need parents with financial limitations to teach them "NO" and "earn your own money for that object", otherwise they can become inadvertent assholes (aka, the kid who has the fancy phone and car and all the stuff).
We went eight years trying and lost our first pregnancy. You are so right, get busy.
Hit it raw, Reid and Lady Reid. Becoming parents expands and contracts your lives at the same time, in the best possible way.
“Should I Hit it Raw” is the greatest subject line of an email in the history of email. Out-fucking-standing!
Until their teenage child finds the message, figures out it’s about the decision that brought him or her into the world, and dies of unstoppable nausea 🤪
They were gonna figure it out at some point. We all did. And retched.
Young parents are the best. Mine were ages 19 and 20 when they had me. I vividly remember doing the math as a kid that pointed to my mom being three months pregnant when they married. The marriage ultimately didn't last, but they did have a really good run of a dozen years, and my parents have been able to enjoy lots of quality time with their grandkids, even though both my sister and I didn't become parents ourselves until we reached our early 30s. We lost our dad prematurely a decade ago (fuck cancer), but there is a decent chance that my mom (still under 80 and in good health) might be able to spend quality time with great grandkids some day.
There is no formula for living the good life, and having kids at any age is not a requirement. But for me, looking back, I'm more likely to think my wife and I should have started our family a few years earlier rather than later. I feel so blessed to have been able to spend time with all of my grandparents well into my thirties.
Love mailbag!! Such a thoughtful Fifthdom! Condolences Sam❤️What a gift you were to your father.
And to Reid, if having a child has always been a common goal between you and your wife, I say start now. It never gets easier no matter your financial situation. My husband and I have 3 grown children- 2 are off of the payroll and our youngest is 3rd year in College. We are in our late 50s and finally feel we can breathe financially. Fortunately, we feel hopeful we have another decade to build up our retirement cushion. Yes money was tight and it felt liked every time our high schoolers walked into the kitchen they needed $50. I wouldn’t trade a second of laughter, craziness, high school dances, broken hearts, AP tests and all of the WTF moments for more money. They are figuring out adulthood with us as (imperfect) guides. My husband and I disagree on many things but when it comes to parenthood we are together and strong as granite in the belief it is the most meaningful thing we have ever done. Good luck!
This is the Mailbag post to express appreciation for TERF, DVM. Whomever you are, you are brave and have called bullshit. 🫡
There are only two principle things, besides love, which a parent must provide to their child - their time and attention. In my experience, all the other things truly do not matter. Like whisky, it is possible to do too much, but too little you will most certainly feel remorse. Yes, have a stable household to the best of your ability, and if the pursuit of the $ needed for that takes away too much from the principle things, you may have problems. But great parents have parented on less before and will after. Go have yourself a family. Greatest thing I will ever do, even though I only did it so-so.
Letter writer one is spot about everything except one thing. We need to burn academia to the ground.
Signed, a tenured professor.
Seconded.
AI will do it for us.
😂, maybe. I’m going through my Masters now and it isn’t helping anyone in the class from what I can tell.
I have been exposed to a number of universities through a variety of vegetation projects. So dealing with the botanical sciences. People in the faculty are usually pretty good. But their stories about the organisations and the rigidity is terrible.
Nice people, with uniformly bad ideas & beliefs.
"Your complaint has not been upheld."
So the listener writes a thoughtful and measured email, and attempts to engage the head of the institution in constructive criticism.
And is met with "Your complaint has not been upheld.". I know I keep banging this drum in the comments, but HOW IN THE FUCK do you expect to reform these institutions without aggressive tactics and removal of all federal funding? Germany needed Normandy, Japan needed the nukes. These people are absolutely dependent on grievance and will stop at nothing to make it continue, reason be damned.
The science museum in the city that I live in has gone completely downhill since I was a child. They went from having spaceship similators and robot building stations, to doing exhibits on Indigenous ways of knowing and “queering science,” to just… no special exhibits at all, half of the permanent exhibits being out of order, and large parts of the building being completely empty. The ideological capture of the employees and management tanked the museum. Today’s kids won’t have the same experiences that my generation had there and it really saddens me.
I agree with all the exhortations to have kids now, even if you think you aren't ready. We had our first when we were both in our final year of PhDs. It was a bit challenging to balance everything but we figured it out. And given that we had all three kids early in our careers, we are really glad not to have tiny tots at home as our careers progress and we gain additional responsibilities at work.
The best reason, though, is this: your time on earth is limited, and the earlier you have children, the more time you get with them, the more time they get with their grandparents, the more time you may get with your future grandchildren, etc. etc. etc. If you're under 30, you may well see your kid's 50th birthday, and maybe even his 60th.
There were some funny moments that arose because we had kids much earlier than most others in the educated professional class . When we graduated and got jobs together, we put our toddler in the company daycare, and the child of an executive at the company—a year younger than ours—went through a biting phase. It's kind of awkward when your three year old shouts, "I HATE [guy who can fire me's kid] BECAUSE HE BIT ME" when you go to pick him up. Another dad at that daycare was almost as old as *my* mom. Another one went to grad school with my PhD advisor's advisor.