Firehose #159: The Labor Day Theory of Value

Also: Ozzy Ozzy Ozzy oi oi oi!

We here at Fif’ headquarters are always thinking, with bottomless gratitude, of the value you subscribers (free, paid, and especially Never Fly Coach) bring to our lives, and how we can increase the value proposition of your subscription. We are also, obviously, thinking of Labor Day (pictured above). How do these streams cross? Thusly: On this lovely holiday weekend, betwixt your copious grass-touching and America-visiting, jot a note here in these comments (or, should you still be in the back of the plane, an email to wethefifth@substack.com), with concrete suggestions for how your Fifth Column experience can be even richer. You need not include stuff like “video,” “merch,” or “more live shows,” since all of those are imminent, thanks to our brand spanking new production staff, and redoubled commitment to do things we should have been doing many years ago. Is there a recurring feature I should add to these Firehoses? Are there sporadic categories of content you really liked and we should do more of? Is there some genius thing that a competitor does that we should just rip off without credit? Tell us!.

Oh – and Moynihan’s jonesin’ for a cupla Sox tickets today, if anyone’s holding.

* Way too much stuff to get to this fine weekend, so let’s start with what’s really important: The latest art from Fanimator in Chief, Arch Stanton:

* We are not yet done with Ozzy, thank Satan (or with Satan, thank Ozzy?). Anyhoo, on Tuesday, we made our monthly appearance on The Megyn Kelly Show, talking and not always quite agreeing with the rather spicy proprietrix about land acknowledgements, sending the National Guard into Chicago, flag burning and patriotism, the pros and cons of Trumpian lawfare revenge, and the then-breaking news of the Taylor/Travis engagement:

* The day before I sat in the guest-hosting chair of The Reason Roundtable, which normally might not attract Firehosian attention, but listeners here might be amused at the sight of my work colleagues attempting to shame me for The Fifth Column having the temerity to interview the current president’s former national security advisor. The fun begins after about minute 42:

* The Roundtable now does these Table for Two addenda; podcast-Christener and me-manager Katherine Mangu-Ward (veteran of Episodes #75 & #395) had me on this week to explore my special-sauce hatreds for presidential moonshots:

* The Moynihan Report this week had on author Deborah Baker to talk about her recently released book, Charlottesville: An American Story:

* Speaking of Ol’ Hollywood, I see from my email inbox that he’s slated to be the emcee at the Oct. 3-4 Global Free Speech Summit in Nashville, organized by our buddy Jacob Mchangama (#102 & #344). Past Fifth Column guests participating in this year’s event include David French (#191, #325, #365), Greg Lukianoff (#216, Members Only #183, #427), Yascha Mounk (#124, #195), Jonathan Rauch (#323), Rikki Schlott (#427), and Thomas Chatterton Williams (#121, #158, #188, #197, #373, M.O. #252, and this week’s intriguingly unnumbered subscription-only conversation with Kmele).

* Moar live events: The aforementioned Mangu-Ward is convening a discussion/party Sept. 10 on the p’raps controversial subject of “Why Europe Can’t Get Rich,” pegged to the marvelously illustrated (by Moynihan’s ex Joanna Andreasson!) current cover article on same. And get this: Among the panelists (scheduled, anyway) is none other than perennially shambolic Fifdom fave Ben Dreyfuss (#83, #97, #148, #214, M.O. #129, M.O. #140, #392, M.O. #180).

* Last add Reason: On Friday I wrote a piece titled “Neither Cranks Nor Hacks Should Head HHS: RFK Jr. has had a crazy week. It will not be his last, alas.” Here’s how it begins:

On Wednesday, during a signing ceremony for some Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) initiatives in Texas, a visiting Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., said, "I know what a healthy child is supposed to look like. I'm looking at kids as I walk through the airports today, as I walk down the street, and I see these kids that are just overburdened with mitochondrial challenges, with inflammation. You can tell from their faces, from their body movements, and from their lack of social connection. And I know that that's not how our children are supposed to look."

The corresponding C-SPAN clip went viral, triggering a fresh round of Wait, THIS guy is in charge of the federal government's public health apparatus? "He literally makes zero sense," opined radiologist, pandemic-policy critic, and National Review contributor Pradheep Shanker. "Wacky, flat-earth, voodoo stuff," added Biden-administration Covid-19 response coordinator Ashish Jha. The Bulwark's culture editor went with "dumbass fucking witch doctor charlatan."

Such exasperated vitriol is common among RFK Jr.'s critics, and has so far produced about the same real-world political results as 10 years' worth of sputtering in the general direction of President Donald Trump. Kennedy remains the second Trump administration's most popular Cabinet member, and the president definitively has his secretary's back in the face of high-level Centers for Disease Control (CDC) firings, COVID vaccine restrictions, mass-shooting hypotheticals, medical-school MAHA retrofits, plus 750 HHS employees jointly accusing their boss of "repeatedly spreading inaccurate health information."

(Equal-time plug here for our Episode #412, w/ Coleman Hughes: “An RFK Intervention.” Also, shout-out to RFK’s erstwhile running mate last year, Nicole Shanahan, for figuring out that Burning Man is actually a plot devised by Satan.)

* I promised more Ozzy as well, so here’s more Ozzy. Steven Hyden, my favorite rock critic going, this week compiled a list for Uproxx of the top 30 Black Sabbath songs, ranked. (Recall that Sabbath featured prominently in our listener list of artists’ best-ever four-album run.) Oh and what’s this? Hyden’s now on Substack? Follow!

* Comment of the Week is just mean, and against my hippie nature, and I … just kept laughing on the third read. So here’s to Dacia:

After many friends being shocked that I'd never been to a Cracker Barrel, several years ago my daughter and I gave it a shot. I'm always wary of "country cooking" when not in "the country", and this Cracker (and her kid) lived this wary moment when we pulled off the 101 and into the Home Depot/Camarillo Outlets parking lot that fateful afternoon.

We were immediately met with an unexpected collection of home decor in a variety of themes - Biblical, "country", and holiday items one might find at a dollar+ store littered the shelves, along with Christian affirmation books and even clothing. You could also purchase bedding, candles, and snacks. It was like the opposite of Disneyland - you had to wade through the store in order to get to the ride.

Finally, with the faint scent of pumpkin/floral/cookie on us from the candles, plug ins, and people spraying "body spray" on their way out, we made it to the "big show".

The dining room was chock-a-block full of what I assume were travelers, many of whom had never seen the sun, a vegetable, or possibly a toothbrush. Even the staff looked stark. We ordered fried chicken and something else from a paltry lass who looked like she never ate there mostly because why eat when you can do meth, and after looking at the other plates, I vowed to stop for Pepcid on the way home.

Which I gladly would've done had the chicken been fried within the last 30 minutes before it was served. Mashed potatoes were also an issue, as you could taste that homemade chalky goodness coating the roof of your mouth, almost as if they boiled the entire box of instant, box and bag included, in a giant vat of not enough water for way too long.

There were also side salads, which amounted to 4 pieces of iceberg lettuce, a single carrot shred, and a gravy boat of ranch dressing.

Needless to say, we and our pumpkin/floral/cookie AND NOW old frying oil-saturated clothing with empty stomaches and a lighter bank account, couldn't get out of there fast enough.

If it weren't such a thing, I would probably never have even noticed the logo change.

Walkoff just had to be: